Sacrificial Love

by Joanna Clark

I've been having a hard time sleeping lately...which usually means something is on my mind, or, God wants something on my mind and is trying to get a hold of me :) Last night, I finally got back up at 12:00 am and did a couple e-mails since I was laying there wide awake anyway. About 15 minutes later, I went back to bed. I was praying and talking to God about being a mom and the love relationship we should have with our children. Felicity has been weighing heavily on my heart lately. Mainly because she is so smart and quick sometimes, that I often have these really high expectations and am pretty hard on her when she messes up...just like any normal kid would mess up. It's not fair of me and I know it, so I've been trying to work on it. Anyway, so last night I was asking God to help me to love Felicity with the kind of love He has for us, His children. I want to show her not only my love, but be an example of Christ's sacrificial, selfless love as well; that He would shine through me (and Joe) to help her better understand who God is and how much love He has for us! I know that I love my kids soooo much! However, there are times where I start doubting myself as not being a good enough mom, not showing my kids enough love, etc.

About another 15 minutes in to being back in bed (about 1am), I hear that sound, that barking/wheezing coughing sound and instantly I run for Felicity's room! There she is knocking on her door (bless her heart! She knows once she's in bed, she's not supposed to leave her room, so she was knocking!) while she is crying and gasping for air (so it seems at least). I pick her up and try to calm her down because crying only makes it worse on her lungs. Joe gets her inhalers, etc. I'm sitting in her bed rocking her back and forth; she's crying and barely able to speak enough to say "mommy, it hurts so bad! when will it stop? why does this happen to me?" I litterally well up while writing this because it is just so sad to see your baby in so much pain and not be able to do much for her. She gets so scared, thinking she really can't breate, which in fact, I think she can, her airways are just a little constricted at the moment and crying makes it so much worse. Anyway, in the midst of her unable to barely speak, she manages enough breath and energy to say "I love you mommy!" She did that twice to me...I was just in awe of her love for us! Why is it that God has to teach us important lessons through our children? It really stresses the term "faith like a child". She was just clinging to me crying but also making sure I know that she loves me! I kept saying it over and over to her and couldn't bare seeing her like that, so helpless and upset. But there she is trying to show it right back to me. I really felt God saying to me, "You do love your child; don't doubt that"...I've never wanted so badly to take her pain upon myself!! And there it was - a moment where God is using me to show His love to her, just like I had asked of Him, BUT He was also giving me a glimpse of His love for us by how I felt and by how Felicity was showing me love. I get (understand) love, or so I tend to think, but didn't expect to get such a lesson on it at 1am in my daughter's bedroom!

Be careful what you pray for!! I didn't think God would get me out of bed at 1am to help me show my love and His love to our sweet little girl, but He did. It's funny how so often we want our prayers answered immediately, and then there are those that we think will be a process and it could be a while til we see His answers. But not that time, nope...God was ready to answer that prayer right then and there. She woke up fine this morning, so we'll see what tonight brings, but it was in that panic moment that God and Felicity taught me a little something about sacrificial love.